Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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