Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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