Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
