i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
