So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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