I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
