if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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