You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
