My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
