God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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