watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
