I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
