I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
