I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
