My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
