Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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