I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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