you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
