so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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