I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
