Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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