I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
