Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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