I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
