I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
