she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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