i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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