i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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