the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
