its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I didn't notice because vodka
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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