I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
