fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
