Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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