i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
