I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
