Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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