i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
