If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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