How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
soo... how was my night?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
