I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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