sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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