I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
