doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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