I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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