Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
