I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
