there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
