No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
