I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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