She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
